Question: Can you provide information about getting married without a rabbi?
Dear Rabbi,
My partner and I will be married in August. We have heard about a Conservative Jewish ceremony in which the couple essentially marries one another without an officiating presence but in the presence of loved ones. There is an exchange of sacred utterances of some kind. Can you tell us more about this? We are very interested.
Thanks, Amy
Answer: Dear Amy,
If I understand your phrasing, "partner" means that you are attempting to structure a commitment ceremony between two women in lieu of a formal marriage ceremony but without an officiating clergyperson. Correct?
First of all, let's deal with the more traditional situation of an ordained Rabbi and Jewish heterosexual couple to clarify the situation.
A Jewish clergyperson - ordained Rabbi or invested Hazzan - is permitted to perform a wedding within the laws of the particular state in which the wedding occurs, and only with a valid secular marriage license.
Secondly, the standards of the Conservative movement allow us to officiate at weddings between two Jews who have neither been married before or have a valid "get," or bill of divorce.
However, the current circumstance of secular law is rapidly changing and being interpreted differently in almost every community and that is overwhelming Jewish law and our current system of carefully reflecting on our tradition, law and customs.
But since it is only a few weeks since some communities have begun to issue marriage licenses, it is too soon to know what will ultimately emerge as "the" Conservative standards and policies. Thus, in the vast majority of situations. we still are not permitted by law - secular and religious law - to officiate at weddings between two men or two women, even when the couple meet all other requirements of Jewish identity by birth or conversion and are free to marry, either with a bill of divorce or no previous marriage.
Thirdly, yes, I've heard of several Conservative Rabbis have created and officiated at a commitment ceremony - although it is a unanimous standard that we are not permitted to officiate at a marriage ceremony between two men or two women. The commitment ceremony establishes a covenant of sanctity and kedushah between two partners, no less spiritually binding than the tradition marriage.
But, you seem to know that you don't need an officiating Rabbi within Jewish law for a marriage to become binding - just kosher witnesses, a kosher ring and a kosher ketuba. Similarly, you can arrange your own commitment ceremony in the "presence of loved ones" and it would certainly be as meaningful to you, family and friends as a marriage. We just don't yet have within Jewish law the opportunity to make it a "legal" and kosher marriage, even though both partners will agree to the same obligations of responsibility, fidelity, love, etc. as in a marriage.
If you write to me privately at bdlerner1@comcast.net, I will check with a colleague to see if he is willing to share his commitment ceremony with you for your use. And if so, I will be delighted to insure that you can benefit from his creative efforts.
Best Wishes,
Rabbi Dov
