Question: Will a Jew who marries a Muslim go to hell?
Answer: Your daughter, who is dating a Muslim man, asked you if she would "go to hell" if she were to marry him. You are uncertain how to answer this question.
I can only imagine that this has been a painful experience for you. Your daughter appears to be experiencing a conflict regarding her feelings for this man and some other concern -- perhaps the fear of alienating you, of damaging her relationship to her religion and people, or a genuine concern for her ultimate destiny. In order for you to help your daughter, you need to know what conflict she is experiencing -- and to know that, you must talk with her about her feelings.
It is interesting to me that, in your letter, you do not mention anything about your feelings about this man your daughter has been seeing. What do you know about him, apart from the fact that he is Muslim? What are your feelings about the possibility of your daughter marrying him? You need to be honest with yourself about those feelings.
Jewish tradition does not look favorably on interfaith marriage, yet it is an increasing reality in the Jewish world, especially in North America. This trend can create much conflict between adult Jewish children who live in a world where dating, and eventual marriage, with non-Jews is commonplace, and their parents who were born into a world where intermarriage was -- and sometimes still is -- regarded as apostasy.
Your daughter's situation, perhaps, is further complicated by the fact that her friend is a Muslim, a people with whom the Jewish people are perceived to be in conflict. It should be clear that, despite the popular image, not all Muslims are anti-Semitic. All things being equal, marriage to a Muslim is no different from marriage to a Christian from a Jewish perspective.
Reform Judaism welcomes interfaith families into its communities because it recognizes intermarriage as a reality that cannot be wished away. There is much that the Jewish community can do to serve the spiritual needs of interfaith families, but only if we begin with welcome and not rejection.
This does not mean that we should not be honest with our children about our feelings about interfaith marriage. We should teach them that there are good reasons to marry another Jew -- including the religious identity of their children, and building a marriage on shared culture, belief and values. We also should listen to our children and understand that intermarriage today usually is not a rejection of Judaism or of ones parents. Rather, it is most often a natural consequence of an open society that has few barriers between people of different backgrounds.
Your daughter specifically asked if, after marrying this man, she would "go to hell." That's a very loaded question. Does your daughter literally believe in hell as a place of punishment for sin? This certainly is not the only way, or even a common way, for Jews to understand the afterlife. In my own community, I teach that Jewish tradition says little about the nature of our existence beyond death because very little can be understood or said about it by people who live in this world. Your daughter may believe in a literal hell of eternal punishment, but there is little in Judaism to suggest that she should.
Why do you think your daughter asks her question in these terms? Is it because she fears that it is what you believe? Is it because she is afraid of being rejected by her family and community? The most valuable thing you can do for her right now is to talk with her and genuinely listen to the thoughts and feelings that have prompted her to ask her questions.
With best wishes,
Rabbi Jeff Goldwasser
