Question: Do Jews only remove shoes in a home when someone has died?
I am Chinese and my husband is Jewish, but we practice the Jewish religion in our home, although I still keep my Chinese culture. My husband and his family are Reform Jews. In my home when guests come over they are politely asked to leave their shoes at the door. In Asian culture, shoe removal is a show respect for a person's home. My Jewish mother-in-law told me that Jewish people only remove their shoes in someone's home if someone has died in the family. Is this true?
Answer: You explain in your letter that in your Chinese culture it is common for people to remove their shoes when entering a home out of respect for the home and as a matter of hygiene. However, your Jewish mother-in-law has told you that Jews only remove shoes when entering a house of mourning and on no other occasions. This is not so.
In ancient times, leather shoes were considered a luxury. During certain periods of mourning and self-deprivation, Jews are traditionally forbidden from wearing shoes with leather soles. This is the case on the holy days of Yom Kippur and Tisha B'Av and during the seven day mourning period (Shivah) following the death of a close relative (Y.D. 380:1, 382:1). Most people during these periods wear either socks or cloth slippers. This restriction against wearing leather shoes does not apply to those visiting mourners, just the mourners themselves.
There is an association in Jewish tradition between removing shoes and entering into a sacred place. In the book of Exodus, Moses is told by God to remove his shoes before coming close to the burning bush (Exodus 3:5). There are no restrictions in Jewish tradition against removing shoes, unless a person is injured or ill and the removal of shoes would cause risk of further injury (Y.D. 382:2,3,4).
It sounds to me like your mother-in-law is experiencing a bit of culture shock. What is considered dignified and proper in your culture, to her, is a sign of indignity and lack of respect. It is a divide that needs to be negotiated carefully. Both Judaism and Chinese culture emphasize the need to show respect to parents. In this case, respect can be achieved through sensitive listening to one another and honesty.
With best wishes,
Rabbi Jeffrey Goldwasser
