Question: Ask the Reform Rabbi - Long-Distance Shiva
Answer: I am very sorry for your loss. I hope and pray for your comfort and
healing following the death of your father.
Since the death of your father three weeks ago, you say that you have not had an opportunity to observe shiva because of the distance of your home from your father's burial place. You explain that you are only now joining a congregation and know few Jews in your area.
However, you also describe how you eulogized your father at the
funeral, spent time communicating with family after the funeral, and
took some time for personal contemplation and remembrance of your
father. You stayed home during the shiva week, but had no Jewish
shiva visitors.
From your description, I would suggest that you have not failed your
father in any way. You have honored him by taking the time, as you
should, to remember him and to share your memories with others. You
have taken significant and appropriate time away from your regular
activities to begin to heal yourself and to sanctify his memory.
Perhaps, it is the Jewish community that has failed you. Has no one
in the congregation that you are joining asked about your present
spiritual needs? Did they not learn that your father was ill? Did
they not make sure that members of the community offered you comfort
during shiva?
It may be that you have not yet made yourself enough a part of the
Jewish community to expect this response, but it is the community's
obligation to reach out to you as much as it is your obligation to
reach out to the community. The obligation to visit mourners is upon the community, not the mourner.
There is no obligation to sit shiva in or near the place of burial.
The traditional observances of shiva are to abstain from wearing
leather shoes, bathing (beyond hygienic need), anointing with oil,
engaging in sexual intercourse and inquiring about the welfare of
another. Reform Judaism recommends that mourners observe the spirit
of these "afflictions" by refraining from life's normal comforts for
a significant period devoted to expressing sadness and sanctifying
memory. Your letter suggests that you have done this.
