Question: My fiance is converting. Is circumcision for adults essential?
Dear Rabbi Lerner,
My fiance is ready to convert to Judaism. However, he was not circumcised as a child and believes circumcision as an adult would cause significant physical and psychological trauma. If he does not convert, I may go through with the marriage and turn my own back on Judaism. While losing Judaism would be tragic for me, living a life without this man I love would be even more tragic. Is circumsion absolutely essential for adult converts to Judaism?
Thanks, Sharon
Answer: Dear Sharon,
Thanks for writing. It is an important questions and issue. Let's see if I can help.
First of all, you and your fiance have to determine whether he truly wishes to become a Jew - before he deals with the question of physical circumcision. Study with a Rabbi for a lengthy period of time, read and study, discuss the issues together, etc. Celebrate Jewish holidays together. Participate in synagogue services. And so forth.
If he concludes that our tradition and heritage is not as meaningful to him as the religion in which he was raised, then the issue is concluded.
Secondly, go together and speak with a urologist about the realities of the surgery and medical procedures. The reality is that it is done with anesthetics and much easier today than ever. You might also speak with a counselor and determine why this is so apparently traumatic.
Is it possible that this is a way to avoid having to convert, a way to get you to abandon your Jewish heritage?
Sometimes, for those who love each other the most, it might be the greatest expression of love not to create a dual-faith marriage for the sake of children.
Best wishes,
Rabbi Dov
