Question: Can a wedding ceremony be performed on Friday afternoon by a rabbi and priest?
Dear Rabbi,
I am traditional Reform Jewish NYC girl engaged to a Catholic Latino guy. He and his family embrace my Judaism. We are all aware of the key differences here, but both families believe that religion is meant in part to make you a good person and love your fellow man. We are both remaining our respective faiths and hope to have a marriage ceremony performed by both a rabbi and a priest. We plan to raise our children Jewish. We did not discuss whether they would be Latino, it is a given, and so is being Jewish when you are born to a Jewish mother. Will a Reform rabbi marry us before sundown on Friday.
Amanda
Answer: Dear Amanda,
Mazal tov on your engagement.
You state in your letter that you are engaged to a Catholic man and that you are both committed to raising your future children as Jews. You say that you are hoping to have a wedding ceremony co-officiated by a rabbi and a priest. You would like to know if it would be possible for your wedding to take place on a late Friday afternoon before sundown.
Something close to half of the rabbis and cantors affiliated with the Reform Movement officiate at interfaith weddings under some conditions. Typically, rabbis and cantors who do officiate require the couple to commit to raising their children as Jews and/or to attend and participate in an "Introduction to Judaism" course.
Friday afternoon weddings are unusual in Jewish tradition because this is the time for preparing for Shabbat. No one has ever asked me to perform a wedding at that time, yet I am sure that other Reform rabbis and cantors would be open, at least, to discussing the possibility. Really, you are much better off finding a rabbi or cantor with whom you and your fiance feel comfortable and asking him or her about the time of the wedding. There is no one answer that would apply to all Reform clergy.
The issue that is more likely to cause problems for you is your desire to have a rabbi and priest co-officiate at your wedding. I know that such co-officiation is common in the movies, but it is a different matter in reality. Very few real-life Reform rabbis and cantors are willing to co-officiate weddings with non-Jewish clergy, and for a very good reason.
A Jewish wedding creates a Jewish home. A Jewish home is the only context appropriate for raising Jewish children. Children need to have a strong sense of religious identity in order to feel that they "really belong" to a religion. If you and your fiance have decided to raise your children as Jews, I believe it should follow that you create a Jewish home to foster that identity.
A wedding ceremony that is a blend of Jewish and non-Jewish rituals makes no clear statement about the kind of home that is being created. Will it be a home in which only Jewish holidays are observed and only Jewish symbols are displayed? If not, what will the children in that home consider to be their religion?
Demographic studies show clearly that children of interfaith couples are less likely to grow up with a lasting sense of Jewish identity -- even if Judaism is the religion their parents intend for them. Raising children with a strong Jewish identity in these circumstances requires a commitment to a consistent message: "Mommy is Jewish and Daddy is Christian, but our home is 100% Jewish and so are you." Anything that dilutes that message greatly reduces the chances that your children will identify as Jews and, eventually, raise their own Jewish children.
Choosing your wedding officiant or officiants will not be the last difficult decision that you and your fiance will face as interfaith parents of Jewish children. It is important to start making good choices now. In the future you may face questions about whether your children will be baptized in addition to having a Jewish naming ceremony, how you will observe Christmas in your home, and how you will educate your children as Jews. All of these decisions will become more difficult and more complicated if you are not clear now about the kind of home you and your fiance are creating.
I hope this response to your question is helpful to both of you. I wish you and your fiance every joy in your life together.
Best wishes,
Rabbi Jeffrey W. Goldwasser
