Question: How can I explain death to my Jewish grandchild?
Dear Rabbi Goldwasser,
I have a precocious two-year-old granddaughter. The other day she was out walking with Mommy and found a dead butterfly. She asked Mommy what was wrong with the butterfly and Mommy replied it was dead. My grand daughter asked "why?". My daughter-in-law did not know how to explain the concept of death to a child. What can you say to a child simply and concisely? I would appreciate any input.
Sincerely, A Loving Jewish Grandmother
Answer: Dear Loving Grandmother,
Thank you for your question. You ask how to answer a precocious two-year-old's questions about death. It's a question that every parent encounters at some time.
The most important thing to remember about talking with children about death is that we (most people, at least) are uncomfortable talking to ANYONE about death. Of course, we are going to have a hard time talking to our children about it! Children notice our anxieties about death and it makes them curious and, perhaps, a bit anxious about it themselves.
In general, I find that children are ready to hear the basic facts about death earlier than most parents imagine. If a child asks questions about death, it's a pretty good sign that he or she is ready to hear some basic answers. Even young children (two years and up) can understand that every living thing dies eventually and that death is permanent. Of course, we want to reassure our children that their healthy parents are not going to die for "a long time."
It is also a good idea to teach our children something about the Jewish understanding of death. Jews believe that death does not mark the end of a person's existence. The people we love who have died continue to live in our memories and in God's awareness.
Often parents are reluctant to talk about these ideas because they are afraid that their personal notions about death are, somehow, not "acceptable" in Jewish tradition. The truth is that Jewish tradition does not dictate any one particular image of life after death. Some Jews understand Olam Ha-Ba, the "world to come," as a literal place where the righteous will live after the redemption of the world. Others see Olam Ha-Ba as a metaphor for the transcendent experience of God that we can know in life and that makes distinctions between life and death meaningless.
It is okay to tell children that when someone dies that person is "with God," if that is what you believe. But it also is okay not to say that. Children can understand that they may feel a person "with them" after that person has died. They can understand that God can feel that, too.
It also is okay to tell your children that you don't know what happens after death. Children appreciate honesty and it is good for them to know that the grown-ups in their lives don't have all the answers.
I hope these suggestions are helpful.
Best wishes,
Rabbi Jeffrey W. Goldwasser
