Judaism

  1. Home
  2. Religion & Spirituality
  3. Judaism
Ask Rabbi Lerner
Non-Jew Dating a Jewish Man 
  Ask the Rabbi Pages
• Ask Rabbi Lerner Home
• 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W Y Z

  Related Resources
• Introduction to Judaism
• Jewish Holidays
• Jewish Lifecycle Events
• Jewish How To Pages

Question

I am a non-Jewish female dating a Jewish man who's parents are from Israel. We have been happy together for two years now, but haven't been able to convince his parents to accept us. We have told them that should we get married, I would definitely convert (as I have always had an interest in Judaism anyway). We've even broken up because of this but after a few months realized how miserable we were without each other. Do you have any advice to help us possibly appease his parents. I would hate to have in-laws who can't accept me, but I also don't want to have to give up the man I truly love.

Answer

Thanks for writing and this is not an unusual situation. Allow me to share several observations.

1. If you are interested in Judaism, why not start now. Perhaps the parents are also asking that question. To convert just for marriage is not only untraditional but less than meaningful. I'll tell you that of many conversions I've performed, some started out with a significant other, the relationship broke up but the conversion continued through all of its stages. It truly was a serious religious personal commitment.

2. You may be miserable without each other now, but it is also quite possible - some say probable - that when you marry and encounter the incredible number of challenges regarding each other's background, in-laws, and of course children, you'll be even more unhappy. And, the children of such marriages frequently tell me how unhappy they are without knowing who or what they are and how they are supposed to behave and believe without "offending" one parent or set of grandparents.

3. There are no answers to appease his parents of which I am aware, certainly not knowing them. But, it may be time to sit down with them and ask them, specifically what it is that bothers them and how they feel about your conversion. Keep in mind that there are still Jews today - not that I agree with them at all - who feel that conversion is impossible; Judaism is physical and racial in their minds. Check them out.

4. You should definitely consider meeting with a Rabbi in your community and with your boy friend. If the parents don't belong to a synagogue, I'd be delighted to help you find a synagogue and Rabbi.

These should start you, your boy friend and everyone thinking.

Best Wishes,

Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner
Foundation for Family Education (FFFE)

More Answers from Rabbi Lerner

 

Subscribe to the Newsletter
Name
Email





Explore Judaism

About.com Special Features

Myths About Islam

Ten common misconceptions about Islam debunked. More >

Prayers for All Occasions

Use these prayers to inspire and inform your own conversations with God. More >

Judaism

  1. Home
  2. Religion & Spirituality
  3. Judaism

©2009 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company.

All rights reserved.