My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

--David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.

-- Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. 

-- Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.

- - Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

--Lenny Bruce

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?

--Shalom Aleichem

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

-- Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

-- Golda Meir

<More Jewish Jokes>