Q. My wife is 12 weeks pregnant and today while we went to do a sonogram the doctor told us the baby's nose bone has not formed yet. I did some research on the internet and found that this can be a cause of Down Syndrome in a baby.
We really want this baby and this will be our last try. I previously had to ask my wife to abort a few pregnancies due to financial reasons and it would break her heart to end this pregnancy as well. Last year while she was pregnant there was a similar problem where the doctor advised to abort the baby.
Rabbi I know god can create miracles and have myself seen many in my life, but I need some spiritual support from a learned person who can guide me through. What would your advice be in this situation?
A. You and your wife have been through so very much. Few can know or fully understand the emotional and physical toll this has taken on your wife, and in different ways, on you as well. For better and often for worse, these events also can reshape your marriage too.
You must be very careful about medical advice you receive from anyplace or anyone other than your wife's OB-GYN or other qualified medical professionals.
She needs you not to panic. She needs you to be steady and strong, honest and caring, all at the same time. That's a very tall order given all that you've endured. We live in a world where pregnancies can go in painful and unpredictable directions. Stuff happens. Good people get handed lousy cards. We may not like it but that's certainly how the world runs.
At the same time, God can be a source of strength and courage, helping us through life's darkest moments. Your mind needs to be clear and your decisions need to be thoughtfully made. You can pray to God for clarity of mind and purpose. You can pray to be an amazing and supportive husband, patient and slow to judge.
You and your wife are facing one of life's inside-out seasons. A pregnancy should be a joyous time for a couple, full of excitement and high hopes. But you might be on a different road right now. You don't know enough right now to know. Get yourself in a place where you can be your wife's best listener. The series of pregnancies you describe might be making her ask herself all sorts of unanswerable questions. She needs you in ways you never wished. But these are your cards, this is your life and your marriage is under strain. Ask God to help you walk through these tough days. Continue to be the smart and caring husband your wife needs you to be right now. Sometimes life slows down so much that all you can do is take it one hour at a time. It might be that way for both of you for a while, but not forever.
Yours,
Rabbi Marc Disick
Be aware of this one fact. The Creator, May He Be Blessed, has given us a mind of our own, we do not think collectivly as one, everyone forms his own opinion and should listen to what he feels is best and do as he sees fit for himself and his family. We as a group have received scientific information not out of thin air but from God Himself and we must remember that it is a gift and that we do not tell anyone that we do not want the gift or that we cannot use it.
Sonograms are a gift and a very valuable one, the sonogram itself tells you what to do. Years ago people did not have the opportunity or knowledge to decide beforehand what to do concerning the fetus, and after bringing it into the world either sent the baby to an institution to spend the rest of its life there or horribly cared for it at home.
Do what you believe is best for the fetus and yourself and do not let anyone pressure you by telling you what God “wants”. I do not know of anyone living or dead who had a conversation with The Creator.
What a wonderful and thoughtful response. Although my situation in life is completely different these words inspired me and uplifted me to seek G-d’s guidance and strength. Thank you Rabbi.
As a mother and grandmother, I just have to ask this question of you, Why do you care now what your wife thinks and how she feels, when you didn’t care before. Anyone who can abort a child due to ‘financial reasons’ doesn’t deserve the honor of being a parent. I was a single parent of 2 special needs children, and I would not have traded it for the world, regardless of the financial hardships. Since it sounds like you have already asked yourself if you could love for and care for this child, just because of some possible differences, you already have your answer with out asking for G-ds advice or concell.
Wow, coincidentally, Chabad.org published someone asking them the same question 2 days before this article was published (look at the date of the first comment) at http://www.chabad.org/982338 and the answer is so similar. Isn’t it great how you can ask 2 different Rabbis the same question and they both answer the same thing?